grief

Land mines in the psyche

First of all, my apologies in advance of you reading this post.  I’ve a tendency to get a little maudlin this time of year.  Missing friends; family…

My roommate (and place-to-live benefactor) and I are very close.  We’re good friends – truth be told, we used to date.  So we know much about each other including backstory, family history, skeletons.  Stuff from our past(s).

And we were fortunate enough to visit the last gun show together.  A couple of blog friends were kind enough to give me the financial means. (Thanks, again, we couldn’t have done it without you!)

But there are land mines in the psyche.  Stuff I’ve forgotten about and don’t expect.  Buried deep.  You see, I used to take my daughter to the gun shows.  We used to visit antique malls, as well, and sometimes little antique-y things are displayed at gun shows.  There were a few at this one.

When my daughter was small, and she’d see a cameo, she’d remark, “There’s that lady, again.”  Hearing that always brought a smile to my face.

And, of course, I shared her expression long ago with my roommate.  Part of the tales from the past people getting to know one-another pass along.  And I always hear Molly’s voice in my head when I see that kind of jewelry.

So, here we are at the gun show, taking it all in, and up comes an antique jewelry display.  Not exactly why I visit guns shows.  So, I’m getting ready to gloss over it, when my roommate says softly, reverently,

There’s that lady, again.

And I cried.

Some gotta win, some gotta lose…

Guffaw’s got the blues…

I try not to let the state of the World the Nation my life get to me.  I try not to be self-centered.  I do realize that there’s very little I can do regarding the state of either the World or the Nation.  I’ve let my opinions be known, and I voted.  I’ve spoken out on this blog.  In many places on the globe these things are not allowed, and subject to sever penalties.

But, I can do something about my attitude!  I’m approaching a landmark anniversary in my life (if you reckon in Base 10); I’ve no partner to share it with; no money – on disability (which is both a description of lack of funds and physical ability).

I’ve a number of chronic conditions, and seem to acquire more every day.  I owe medical bills.

I drive a 13 year old car, when I can afford gasoline.

And last Summer, because my disability income is 60% lower than my previous meager income,  I lost my home.  (“We lived in a hallway!”  “We dreamed of living in a hallway-we lived in a cardboard box!” – Monty Python)  Fortunately, a good friend offered me a place to stay.

Two weeks ago, my sister had a minor stroke.  (If there is such a thing).  She’s back to work, and coping, but it does get one’s attention.

But all is not lost.

Re: this upcoming calendar mark – My new neighbor and EX-wife (and friend) contacted me, and asked if she could put a little celebration together in my honor!

HOLY SHNIKIES!!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “If you have friends, you have everything!”  You know, like the end of that Christmas movie…

Time to remove my head from it’s regular inverted resting place and get moving.

Thanks for listening.

Step – Mom

I just heard from my step-brother, yesterday, that my step-mother passed away Saturday.  I’d not visited her in some time, and only remembered her on her birthday and Mother’s Day.  My real mother passed away when I was a small child, and my dad remarried.  Unfortunately, he married a woman who wanted him, but not the extra baggage of a young child.  And when he was absent on business, she took out her frustrations, well, you get the picture.
As an adult, I now realize she did her best with the limited tools she had.  But I still don’t have many fond memories.  I know my step-siblings feel differently, but the closest one is ten years older than I.  They had different experiences.
She didn’t seem to be a happy person.  I hope she is at peace, now.
I’m grieving, not so much for her, but for what we should have had.