Because I’ve not guffawed in a while, a humorous submission - Guffaw
stolen borrowed from The Political Commentator. For some reason, I was transported back to junior high and the infamous book 50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, illustrated by Betty Dont)
BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER READ!
And if you did they would be less than one page long!MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDSBy Tiger Woods____________________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRYBy Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan& Michelle ObamaIllustrated by Michael MooreForeword by George Soros________________________________________MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINABy “The Rev Jesse Jackson” and “The Rev Al Sharpton”______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILLBy Hillary Clinton_________________Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARYBy Bill Clinton_________________THINGS I CANNOT AFFORDBy Bill Gates____________________________________THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEYBy Dennis Rodman_________________________________THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUEBy Al Gore and John Kerry_____________________________________GUIDE TO THE PACIFICBy Amelia Earhart____________________________________HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLESTBy Dr. Jack Kevorkian__________________________________TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFOREBy Ellen de Generes and Rosie O’Donnell__________________GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEBy Mike Tyson__________________________________THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY_______________________________________MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERSBy O. J. Simpson and Casey Anthony_________________________________________HOW TO DRINK and DRIVE SAFELYBy Ted Kennedy__________________________________
MY BOOK ON MORALSBy Bill ClintonWith introduction byThe Rev. Jesse JacksonAnd forward byTiger Woods with John Edwards____________________________________________________HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWLBY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS___________________________________________________AND, JUST ADDED:My Complete Knowledge of Military StrategyBy Nancy Pelosi________________________________________________________And the shortest book of them all…………………..THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZEBy Barack Obama
I’ve been finding enjoyment on our satellite television with the On Demand feature. While the choices are numerous, the quality choices are limited, however.
I just finished watching virtually all the episodes of Night Court. I met Harry Anderson once, he’s great, and it’s great stuff. And John Larroquette won three Emmys for his roll as the slimeball D.A. Dan Fielding.
Having completed that, it was time for something different. They do have Have Gun – Will Travel. Not the first of the ‘adult’ Westerns in the 50s, but certainly the second. (The first having been Gunsmoke).
Richard Boone’s hard living hadn’t yet completely ravaged his once handsome face. And the stories are not just gratuitous violence, they are morality tales for a simpler time.
I do mean the 1950’s, not the 1880’s…
I often chuckle at a childhood memory surrounding this, though. When the show started in 1957, I had just began school and was reading, reading well. But there were many words I didn’t yet understand. What kind of a stupid first name IS WIRE, anyway? :-)
First, of course, the quintessential D*** NIXON. (for whom I did vote in 1972!)
Followed by all others.
Cases(s) in point…
We are ready to have our local primary. Here are three of the many candidates being promoted:
I’ve no idea what either of these gentlemen’s politics are, but am using them to promote my thesis – ALL POLITICIANS ARE D***S!
Even if they are named David or Susan…
Popular wisdom would say they are either strong and wise belying their years, due to years of verbal abuse about their names. Or they are borderline psychotics running for public office…
And, lest we forget…
When I was growing up, I wanted to join The Boy Scouts. They seemed cool, but, I was too young. There was The Cub Scouts, though! And one could evolve into a Boy Scout from there. I convinced my parents I should join.
I think I was in the Fourth Grade. I became a Bobcat, a newbie. My parents never even sprung for a full uniform, just the shirt, bandana and cap. And I had to walk about a mile to my den mother’s house on meeting days. At least I got to hang with other boys my age, and we sometimes did cool stuff.
But, soon, my den mother moved away, and no provision had been made for us to transfer to another den. By default, I left. No Boy Scouts for me!
But one of my fondest memories of The Cub Scouts was the Scout Oath. Not the solemnity or the promise. The language.
In the early 60’s, the counterculture wasn’t yet tipified by the hippie. It was the beatnik that brought societal scorn. As typified by the character Maynard G. Krebs on The Dobie Gillis Show. (the G stood for Walter, it was silent!)
When something was mainstream, whitebread, uncool, the beatnik said it was SQUARE.
And The Cub Scout Oath (of that era) was:
I, _________, promise to do my best
To do my duty to God and my country,
To be square, and
To obey the Law of the Pack.
Now, sometime after 1964, the changed the oath to read to help other people, instead of to be square.
I wonder if that was because every boy jack of us said the oath as follows:
…To be a square…
Not really comprehending what being square meant.
Being on an extremely limited disability income, I sometimes (often) find myself in a financially uncomfortable situation. Often a week or more before my stipend is due to arrive. I wish I could say it was because of extravagance, but more often than not it’s because of a math error.
Fortunately, I am sometimes assisted by my friends. I am most blessed.
And yes, today, I AM SQUARE.
I AM ALSO A SQUARE! I need one of these!
I’VE MADE IT, yesterday.
I’m not normally a superstitious person. I do sometimes say ‘knock-on-wood’ (jokingly) when wishing for a positive outcome, but really don’t believe it. I own no rabbit’s feet or lucky charms. I don’t throw spilled sodium chloride over my shoulder. I’ve not crossed my fingers since I was, well, 7 or 8.
However, I do pay attention to specific calendar anniversaries, and some events have meaning to me.
And sometimes, I’m compulsive about them.
Case-in-point: My Father passed away, after a series of smaller heart attacks in 30 days prior, from a heart attack, on August 14, 1977. He was 61 years old. His birthday was November 16th. MY birthday is November 24.
I am currently 61 years-of-age. (You do see where I’m going with this?)
We are of similar physical types, and have similar ‘issues’ – like weight ‘issues’, diabetes. Fortunately (knock-on-wood) I’ve no apparent heart problems.
Subtract 16 from 24, this leaves 8. 8 from 14 is 6.
YESTERDAY WAS AUGUST 6, AND I’M STILL ALIVE!
I don’t know why, but for the past 5 years or so, as I approached age 61, this loomed over me. My Dad’s dad lived until he was 68. My maternal grandfather until 85. This shouldn’t have been an issue, or even a blip on my radar. I’m a rational person.
But it was.
It didn’t help that I was born premature, with an unnamed twin brother, who died – I nearly did; Lost my Mother in grade school due to emphysema; had a near-fatal automobile accident (in which my daughter was lost); have had flesh-eating bacteria, diabetes and two kinds of cancer. Life and Death have cropped up more than with most with me, I think.
I’ve made it, AGAIN.
Still flipping off the Reaper! :-)
PS – If I suddenly fall off the Internet, in the next couple of days, you’ll know he was delayed in traffic.
The littlest of the three chee-hooa-hooas, Lola, is now six months old, and has grown from under two pounds four months ago, to a powerhouse of almost SIX pounds! :-)
She successfully survived her hysterectomy (with a barely visible scar) and now is content terrorizing the large boy dog (DJ), who is probably 15-20 pounds. Yes, he’s a throwback, every genetic trait one doesn’t ask for in a chihuahua. Including massive size.
But, he’s a big, stupid, happy lummox and we love him.
Lola is VERY bright. Try to lure her into a trap (like her kennel for the night) and she’ll fall for the bait. Exactly ONCE. And never again.
She also has an Early Warning System, if she’s penned up and wants out to ‘do her business’. We didn’t train her to do this – she trained us.
I’m usually awake around 0600-0700. Shower, dress, morning stuff and blog. And when the mistress-of-the-manor is absent, Lola bivoacs in MY room.
A Sample Morning
0600 – I Awaken. Kissed by a tiny dog who has been watching me wake up, who then curls up in my armpit and snuggles back to sleep. Then she produces 61,000 btus, forcing me to arise. (Well, that and my impatient bladder!)
0605 – Shower. Lola must be kenneled, lest she join me in the shower. She doesn’t require a bath daily. I do. Besides, I might accidentally step on her!
0615 – Dress. Lola remains kenneled, half or completely asleep, or sometimes therein quietly watching me check my email and blog.
UNLESS, NATURE CALLS HER!
Me, sitting at the computer, tiny kennel on the adjacent bed, containing tiny dog. All is quiet, except occasional keystrokes and the ever-present fan. (This IS AZ, after all!)
Suddenly there is a tiny, tiny bark. Not particularly high-pitched, but very slight in volume, as if distant outside. Usually no response from me. (We designate this DOGCON 3)
Then, a slightly louder bark, perhaps 20 seconds later. This is obviously from inside the house; inside my room. More apparent urgency (DOGCON 2)
(Followed by, if I choose to ignore it…)
DOGCON 1 – a loud, piecing, deafening bark, threatening immediate negative consequences unless she is allowed paper access IMMEDIATELY! This usually also agitates my chronic tinnitus!
My usual response is to get up from my desk, open the kennel, and she jumps up to my chest, sometimes my shoulder – and I carry her to the bathroom, containing the all-important morning paper.
And all is shortly right with the World!
(Until the tiny kitten Belle is heard screaming outside the bedroom door to be included in the blog process (aka walking willy-nilly across the keyboard). Please note, I usually learn from this and ignore her!)
I remember walking home about a mile-and-a-half (in the Summer heat, in Tempe, Arizona) the day of the Moon landing, with friends Jim and John, after bowling a few lines @ Tempe Bowl. The RED CARPET Lounge, in the bowling alley, had an exterior sign missing some letters. As we were irreverent high-schoolers, it was always the Ed Carp Lounge to us!
We came home to watch the history on our televisions.
Interesting that there is a direct line from JFK asking we land on the Moon ‘in this decade’ (certainly as a technology/arms race with the Soviet Union), to the Moon landing, to further development of solid-state technologies leading us to personal computers, the Internet and cellular telephones.
We didn’t know the half of it watching Neil and Buzz!
But we were proud.
h/t Theo Spark
And some days just seems replete with events – births, deaths, famous stuff.
A few select examples…
1883 Franz Kafka Czech, author (Metamorphosis, Trial, Amerika)
1913 Dorothy Kilgallen Chic Ill, columnist (What’s My Line?)
1941 Gloria Allred feminist attorney
1943 Geraldo Rivera aka Gerry Rivers, nosey newsman (Geraldo)
1962 Tom Cruise Syracuse, actor (Risky Business, Color of Money, Rainman)
1969 Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones drowns to death at 25
1971 Jim Morrison rocker (Doors), dies of heart failure in Paris
1981 Ross Martin actor (Mr Lucky, Wild Wild West), dies at 61
1989 Jim Backus actor (Magoo, Gilligan’s Island), dies at 76 of pneumonia
1841 John Couch Adams decides to determine the position of an unknown
planet by irregularities it causes in the motion of Uranus (insert joke here)
1861 Pony Express arrives in SF with overland letters from NY
1895 Start of Sherlock Holmes “The Adventure of Black Peter” (BG) (insert joke here – I know, I’m a sick puppy!)
1898 US Navy defeats Spanish fleet in Santiago harbor, Cuba
1911 Ty Cobb hits in his 40th straight game. Does not get a hit next day
1915 US military forces occupy Haiti, remain until 1934
1939 Lou Gehrig day; Gehrig makes “luckiest man” speech
1950 1st time US & North Korean forces clash in the Korean War
1976 Israel launches rescue of 103 Air France crew & passengers being
held at Entebbe Airport in Uganda by pro-Palestinian hijackers
1988 US Navy shoots down Iranian civilian jetliner over Gulf, kills 290
Other days, not so much.
Nope. I’M not missing…
But, with all going on in the World as of late, guffaws on this blog certainly have been!
With that in mind:
Well, my roomie is expected back from visiting her family next week. In her absence, I’ve been ‘holding down the fort’, policing the livestock and being the puppy wrangler.
Most of which has been relaxing and rewarding (at least some of the time!) :-)
But, I’ve also engaged in a small project which I’d not done in some years: I started a beard!
I’ve grown (and subsequently shaved) facial hair, in various patterns, since I graduated high school. I started shaving when I was a sophomore, and grew my first mustache right after graduation.
And shaving has been a pain-in-the-*ss ever since! (I know, this means I’ve been doing it wrong.)
But, with a quasi-law-enforcement career, much of the time, mustaches were frowned upon, and beards prohibited. Afterward, they simply became facial adornment until I tired of them, or until I tired of looking at my naked face in the mirror.
My last full beard was in the 90’s, which I shaved off to become Woody Harrelson’s character in Natural Born Killers one Halloween. I also shaved my head and sported fake tattoos. (I always went all out @ Halloween).
When I decided to grow back my facial hair, I was shocked and surprised – it was coming back in largely WHITE! I would NOT be Santa Claus! So I went back to shaving. (Once-upon-a-time it was brown!)
Over the past ten years, I had a mustache and goatee, and after J. and I broke up, the goatee went away. Now that she’s been away for a couple weeks, I thought I’d give it another try and surprise her. (I know, growing a beard in the Summer is stupid!)
Regardless, here I am, two-weeks-in, no razor or scissor having touched my face.
J. is scheduled to return this coming Monday. And she doesn’t always read GiA.