Old NFO (via JP) brings us geekery of the first order, coupled with first-rate humor!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The new element has been named Hillarium. The chemical symbol of Hillarium is Bs.Hillarium has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.Hillarium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Hillarium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Hillarium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Hillarium activates CNNadnausium and MSNBCobnoxium, elements that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since each has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Hillarium. Hillarium has also been reported in some war torn countries to inexplicably draw sniper fire out of thin air where no snipers are present, and to cause shoes to catapult across the room as a result of intense attraction to Hillarium.
You should really go and read the whole thing!