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In need of a GUFFAW today!

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(and how his reflection somehow became his wife’s!)

I Always Thought I Could Be A Comedian…

I didn’t necessarily WANT to be, but thought I could!

I always appreciated silly – The Marx Brothers, W.C. Fields, Abbott and Costello,‘It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World’, Warner Brothers cartoons, Steve Allen. Ernie Kovacs.  Then, as I grew up, my tastes moved to The Firesign Theatre and Monty Python.  George Carlin was a god!

I remember returning from a long high school choir trip, standing in the back of the bus and mimicking Carlin’s first album for anyone who would listen.  Word for word, intonation for intonation.  The man taught me timing.

And then there’s Dennis Miller.  “I haven’t seen choreography like that since the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer!”  In his own words, “Viva la referencia obscura!”

I began considering doing stand-up comedy in my mid-twenties.  After all, my good friend Biff Jannuzzi (who authored the one-act play about the Lincoln assassination ‘A Booth in the Back’), did it!   Then, I met a friend of his, Tom (a buddy of his in the local little theater group), who changed my mind.  I was quick, clever with a comeback, witty, and thought I was all that.

Tom was quicker, faster with a comeback and wittier.

So, Tom was a stand-up comedian? (You ask)

Nope.

He sold used cars at one of those buy-here, pay here joints.  Jake the Snake’s Garden of Gears!  Down in the sketchy part of town.

His talent and ability was ten times mine, and he was selling cars.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

“A man has to know his limitations.” – Inspector Harry Callahan

MST3K

(that’s GEEK for Mystery Science Theater 3000!)  😅

As most of you know, I love TV and movies.  And, being disabled (with limited funds), I am constantly on the prowl for something different to watch.

(For something to do besides hang out on the Internet.)

Some years ago, I heard about MST3K, and was lucky enough to have access to it.

THE PREMISE (wikilink)

Hard to imagine this came about from a tight crew of messed up college guys talking back to the TV while watching cheesy movies!

Now, in it’s (third?) incarnation on Netflix.

A (short) example:

If your geeky, and in need of a good guffaw, I highly recommend it.

It is NOT for the serious!  😛

 

A DIY Smoke Bomb ?!

(from The Art of Manliness)

How to Make a DIY Smoke Bomb

You’re lost in the woods, without phone service, and you need a way to signal your location to rescuers on the ground or low-flying aircraft.

Your city is roiled in rioting and chaos, some bad dudes are advancing towards you, and you need to create a distraction to escape and evade them.

It’s a weekend afternoon, your kids are bored, and you’d love to show them a fun and fiery science experiment.

Whether for survival, tactical, or experimental purposes, smoke bombs can be employed in a variety of scenarios.

They’re cheap, small and portable, and incredibly easy to make at home. You can keep them in hiking packs, car glove compartments, garages, etc. You never know when one will come in handy and either provide some weekend entertainment, or perhaps even save your life. Below, I walk you through the simple steps in making homemade smoke bombs on your kitchen stove.

Note: You are of course playing with fire for this experiment, so be prepared and be safe. A bucket of water (or fire extinguisher) is good to have on hand, and when lighting the bomb, use protective eyewear and some sort of breathing filter/mask. The smoke can be toxic, and if the wind blows the wrong way you could be accidentally inhaling it.

Now I remember making such things as a junior high kid, back when a kid could walk into the local drug store and buy 4 oz. bottles of potassium nitrate OTC with no questions asked!  The formulae presented is strikingly similar to a solid rocket fuel we made – not that I’m suggesting anyone do such a thing!  (I’m certain more specific instructions for rocket fuel are available on the Internet, along with search engines notifying the gov’t of the identity of the searchers…)

BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL THE HEATED MIXTURE DOESN’T REACH THE FLASH POINT WHILE MELTING!  LEST YOU HAVE A SMOKE BOMB GO OFF IN YOUR HOUSE!

ANYWAY, the link above and below lead to the the specifics for the smoke bomb.  I highly recommend you do NOT use them for anything nefarious!

How to Make a DIY Smoke Bomb

Let’s all be careful out there!  (Have Fun!)

This Is NONE Of Your Falcon Business!!

I was reminded of the book The Falcon and the Snowman, wherein a spy was caught (according to the official FBI story) by someone determining the suspect liked falconry (hence his clever nickname), so agents lay-in-wait for him in Coos Bay, Oregon (a big falconry place), and captured him!

Truth was (as is so often the case), is one of his friends gave him up!

(from TFB)

Brownells Expands into Tactical Falconry

First they started selling ammunition, then they opened a retail gun store, then they started selling guns online and now the logical conclusion: tactical falconry. They are also manufacturing the first ever Falcon Night Hunter Owl Conversion Kit …

Brownells, known for its incredible selection of firearms and firearm accessories, proudly announced today it has become the internet’s largest tactical falconry dealer. Brownells’ new Birds of Prey product line features hundreds of items dedicated to enabling private citizens, law enforcement officers and military personnel to engage in the ancient art of falconry for the purposes of self-defense, hunting and homeland protection.

The new line features well-trained tactical birds ranging in size from the sub-sub-compact Black-Legged Falconet up to the full-size Steller’s Sea Eagle – an offensive raptor designed for maritime operations.

For customers in arctic conditions, the Birds of Prey line offers Gyrfalcons in traditional Snowy Tundra camo as well as a special Ghostly White Limited Edition, exclusive to Brownells.

Also available are a full line of tactical bird accessories, gear and supplies.

Some of the notable, cutting edge tactical falconry products include:

  • Miniature Tactical Falcon Pants
  • Falcon Action Camera Mounts
  • PreyVision™ Falcon Spotting Scopes
  • Falcon Handler First Aid & Suture Kits
  • Tactical Falcon Treats
  • Widening Gyre® Tactical Falcon Signal Whistles
  • TalonHone® File & Pedicure Kit
  • Falcon Night Hunter Owl Conversion Kit

“Housing the falcons has been the biggest challenge for us,” said Chad Martin, Brownells COO. “Well trained as they may be, we’ve noticed they tend to get nervous around lift trucks.”

Some of the newest tactical falconry products in the line come from the innovative company Critical OperRaptor Dynamics. Miniature Adhesive Falcon OperRaptor Beards are available in several colors and sizes and are guaranteed to resist bloodstains and not jettison during flight.

Also from Critical OperRaptor Dynamicsis a large assortment of Picatinny-Compatible Falcon Perch Rails to let the tactical falconry practitioner park his bird on his favorite AR-15 handguard, scope rail or ballistic helmet interface

Yes, this an April Fools joke. No falcons were harmed in this ridiculous hijinks. Actually, we’ve never even seen a real falcon.

FALC!  Wouldn’t that have been cool?!

The Twelve Labors Of Hercules 

Hardly. 

But trying, nevertheless.

With my knee being ‘iffy’, and The Horrible Chair, just going downstairs can be a challenge.

And, when my roommate having breathing difficulties and sometimes staying in bed, it’s up to me to be  (as my Father would label himself) the chief cook and bottle washer!

That is, take care of the livestock and fetch medicines, water, soda and food for the ‘infirmed’.

I’ve no complaint about so doing – after all, it was my roommate who saved me from possibly having to live on the street with my income decreased and I lost my home.

The ‘problem’ (and this is a joke, folks) is the livestock in question sometimes makes it difficult to do chores.  Because, they, too, want attention.

Or just to be in the way!

The first hurdle is (are?) the stairs.  I know, not livestock.  But just going down them can be painful.  And sometimes the kitten (Belle) plays the ‘can I trip him on the stairs’ game.  (Does this count as a second hurdle?)

Belle

Belle

Hurdle Two – the Cage.  (In no way resembling Star Trek-TOS episode!)  We have taken to giving the livestock the run of the downstairs.  We used to pen up the older dogs in the downstairs bath-as a makeshift kennel.  And that worked for many years.  But, as they have aged (both 16 now), their hearing and vision has diminished.  And D.J., especially, gets scared in the dark when he cannot move about freely.  This wouldn’t be a problem, except he starts barking.  One yelp every eight seconds or so.  ALL NIGHT.  Or until he finally falls asleep.  The yelping resumes when he awakens – even at 0300!  Letting them go free gives them enough ambient light to patrol the downstairs and see enough not to bark.

D.J.

D.J.

Unless, of course, a stray cat appears in the back yard.  No plan is perfect.

(Back to the cage)  We have a ‘cage’ kennel we have used for Lola (the puppy-now two, but forever nicknamed as such) which also is just the right size to block the dogs from going upstairs.  They are supposed to use the designated paper by the back door, but sometimes they like to sneak to the upper landing.  And we don’t like that.

Lola

Lola

SO, I’ve descended the stairs, and prepare to move The Cage out-of-the-way, when Gracie becomes involved.  She likes to sit on top of said cage and add an addition three or four metric tons to it’s weight.  HER nickname is BAC – for Big Ass Cat!  Plus, she can be kinda snotty if asked to move and might hiss at you!

Gracie aka B.A.C.

Gracie aka B.A.C.

Now that we’ve made it down the stairs, and moved the cage, there’s the kitten, again.  No, she’s not gone away.  If I walk past The Horrible Chair, she will jump up on the seat and demand tribute!  Which means flopping over and belly rubs!  (the cat, not me)  I must admit this is not much of a trial, and rubbing the belly of a purring kitten is quite pleasant.  😛

tribute

tribute

She can continue with an additional trial, following me incessantly and meowing tiny mews, until I either fill up the water, the food, or change the cat box.  She always lets me know.  But every time I walk by The Horrible Chair I must pay!  🙂

Okay, okay!  I know.  Animals are a blessing, and three (or four) interactions with them first thing in the morning is great! (Except for the B.A.C.!)

And four is not twelve.  Perhaps I need to rethink this.  But The Three or Four Challenges of Hercules just doesn’t have the same ring to it.  😛

Halloween Guffaws

Yeah, it’s been awhile between guffaws.  With (ongoing) government corruption, terrorism and voter fraud, there’s not much to laugh about…

HOWEVER, my go-to in times of stress is humor.  So, without further ado:

haunted-cats halloween halloween-weiner halloween-dead halloween-brew halloween-2

dawn-halloween

My niece and her husband as Sonny and Cher, during some Halloween!

The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Private Investigating

I’ve not been a private investigator since 1986.  I’ve not been a credit card fraud investigator since 2009.  But I’ve been some-kind of investigator (private security, process server) most of my adult life.

It’s in my blood.

As such, I’ve tried to keep up with the latest regarding what records are available, what has been limited (due to privacy concerns) and the like.

And, of course, the overall erosion of privacy since Al Gore invented the Internet!  And the government passed The Patriot Act, NDAA, et al.

My dear friend Biff (previously lauded in song and story in these pages – well story, anyway) recently met me for coffee, and, as he oft wants to do, presented me with a gift!

I like gifts!  🙂

As he peruses used bookstores (in search of first editions and signed editions) he sometimes finds books his friends might appreciate.

And he found THIS!

pi-book

It was obviously used and in fair condition.  He was curious what I thought of it and it’s value to today’s sleuth.

It took me a few days to read it.  I had to keep reminding myself this was geared for the neophyte.  Hence the clever title…

Overall it’s a pretty good book.  The author claims to be a retired FBI agent who now has his own P.I. agency in Florida. (The Internet does confirm this.)  It’s fairly well organized and has both current and historic information regarding how to find stuff and to keep out of jail in so doing.  It even has material regarding sources on the Internet, and electronic surveillance.

My copy is the second edition.  An Amazon search revealed there is now a third.

It now holds a place of honor on my bookshelf, adjacent to Where’s What (the CIA book regarding where to find records, circa 1974).

Yeah, I’m a snoop at heart…

(FTC – neither Amazon, nor this book’s author gave me anything!  Biff did, but he’s my friend!  BACK OFF!)

An Absence Of Guffaws

I’ve not posted any ‘funnies’ in a while.  Probably because things aren’t particularly funny.

Increased financial obligations at home, same chronic conditions, not getting any younger.  Same beat-up 2000 Oldsmobile.

Oh, and a sad Presidential election looming.

Having said THAT, here’s something(s) you might find amusing:

fire

porcupine

sumo

sunny and share

target cut

Hope these brightened your day!  –  Guffaw

h/t Dave the mechanic

______________________________________________________
(And, now for something completely different – as promised)
I would ask all of you bloggers out there to at least make the effort to post a link to www.projectwelcomehometroops.org/#22kill

22 VETERANS COMMIT SUICIDE DAILY

Even ONE of these heroes making this choice is unacceptable! (Day #8 of 22)

Christmas Movies

My roommate and I differ slightly in which movies we like to watch to commemorate the holidays.

My roommate likes everything Christmas, especially SANTA CLAUS related.  The three Santa Clause films (Tim Allen), Miracle On 34th Street (two versions), It’s A Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn, White Christmas, The Bishop’s Wife – you name it, we’ve (I’ve) been subjected relegated thoroughly enjoyed them over the past week or so.  Some multiple times.

On DVD or BluRay, in Stereo High Fi…

Don’t get me wrong.  I like some of those, in small doses.  Some even get me a little misty…

But over-and-over tends to be a bit much.  (Sorry J.)

I blame commercial television.  Most networks essentially shut down production for the holidays, having fall or winter finales, promising new shows in February!

And giving us fewer choice in the likes of reruns, cartoons and the stuff enumerated above for our viewing pleasure.

It’s like Steve Martin said.  127 channels and nothing’s on.

For television addicts like me, it’s dire.

But, I found a way to counteract the Christmas movie doldrums.  I’ve included in the DVD rotation, Lethal Weapon and Die Hard!

As was recently stated on Facebook, it isn’t really Christmas until Hans Gruber is seen falling from Nakatomi Plaza!

Merry Christmas to all you movie fans like me out there…

"Round up the usual suspects."

In Loving Memory…